'Everyone wins' in the Spirit-Frontier Merger
That razor wire is there for a good reason - and that reason is to keep you out of the airport and save you the indignity of ever having to fly on Spirit or Frontier or whatever sexy new name they come up with after their merger is finalised © Rita Ox / Unsplash
The US' two largest budget airlines merge in $6.6bn deal, and everyone wins because… Wait, what?
How can major travel industry news about the United States' two most deservedly loathed airlines joining forces become any more ripe for parody and/or ridicule? Well, finding out the CEO of the slightly smaller dumpster fire with wings has some ridiculous name like Barry Biffle would be a good start. Well, would you look at that. The CEO of Frontier Airlines is actually named Barry Biffle. What are the odds?!?
And having Mr Biffle give an interview where he uses what can only be described as twisted American capitalist anti-logic to claim without any hint of irony that the proposed merger should "get a warm reception because the administration has been looking for ways to increase competition and we think this is the answer."
Yes, that's right, letting the country's two biggest budget carriers merge will actually benefit competition* in the aviation industry, because now they can better compete with the handful of major airlines that dominate the market after decades of mega-mergers and takeovers were given green lights.
In other words, not only does Barry Biffle have a ridiculously cartoonish name and uncannily the exact face to match it, but he's also got zero qualms about shamelessly lying to the public. No wonder he's become such an Corporate America success story!
*This is the same logic that's led to the US having only three national mobile network operators (or one less than the 2m inhabitants of Slovenia have), along with some of the highest mobile prices and worst coverage anywhere in the world. Fun fact: we pay €12/month for basically unlimited calls, texts and data in Slovenia, while on our last visit to the US we paid €40 for one month of not getting reception in the middle of one the country's most populous urban areas. What a strange coincidence that is.
Be honest, you've got no idea why and it makes you feel slightly guilty, but when you look at this photo your very first thought is some form of ‘You know what, Bambi's mom totally deserved to get shot' isn't it? Don't worry, it's not you, it's Frontier © Anthony92931 / CC 3.0
It's a shame that mergers of objectively crappy businesses aren't like basic arithmetic, where multiplying two negatives together magically turns them into a positive. No, this is more like two giant flaming bags of dog shit being placed next to each other to form a veritable Megatron of flaming dog shit, only instead of comically ruining the shoes and doormat of a crotchety old neighbour, this one ruins the holiday hopes and dreams of honest, hard-working budget travellers, who didn't know any better.
Anyway, you don't really need analogies here to clearly see that two infamously terrible airlines combining their respective ineptitude, corner cutting and blatant contempt for their customers is not going to end well for anyone, except of course their shareholders. Usually, the more consumers gets fucked, the more satisfied shareholders are (it's almost like there's a connection between the two).
However, enough with the negativity!
Since here at Curmudgeon HQ the HR department blew approximately 30% of the office's annual budget on those saccharine motivational posters that everyone loves so much, and the one directly above our soul-crushing, florescent-lit cubicle is an anthropomorphised light bulb with a shit-eating grin imploring us to 'Always look on the bright side!', we're going to try our best to follow its advice:
At least now when searching for low fares, instead of having to avoid two shameful, sad excuses for airlines, you only need to avoid one. Boom! Sounds like a silver lining to us. So, it seems Barry Biffle was right after all, and everyone truly does win in this deal. Apologies for calling you a liar earlier and showing everyone what your face looks like....
Bonus Anecdote: Last month when we were departing Bogotá's glorious El Dorado Airport to fly to Riohacha, we spotted a conspicuous yellow plane parked at the terminal, and sent the photo below to a frequent flying friend along with the following message: "That yellow plane is Spirit. Can you imagine flying fucking Spirit all the way from the US here? Ewww…" To which she replied simply with the crying emoji. Crying emoji indeed. That’s actually what the logo of the newly merged company should be....
