What I Imagine Every European Will Say to Me
From this angle, it's difficult to tell if that's a romance bicycle or non-romance bicycle, but there's a very good chance that the stylish yellow tote bag contains sausages, beer and cigarettes © Eugene Zhyvchik / Unsplash
The New Yorker has basically been a parody of itself for longer than we can remember - especially when it comes to its painfully unfunny cartoons, its legendarily terrible film critic Richard Brody or its absurd style guide - so almost a full month went by between the time we opened the article ‘What I Imagine Every European Will Say to Me, an American, When I Explore Europe’ as one of our 100+ tabs and actually reading it. And wow, what a surprise. Not only is it funny, but it even made us laugh out loud a few times. In fact, it was so funny that had no choice but to include an extensive excerpt of it below…
“Holland is not the Netherlands. It is a region in the western Netherlands. Did you not study geography at university?”
“Swimming trunks are not allowed. You must swim in the nude. We do not hide genitals in our culture.”
“You Americans. Your houses are too big. Your beers are too small.”
“The E.U.? Do you mean the Schengen Area? You are confused.”
“However, Holland is the Netherlands when we are talking about sporting events like korfball.”
“Sausages are an always food.”
“Do you play the violin or just the glockenspiel?”
“The Schengen Area? Do you mean the eurozone? You are confused.”
“It is illegal to ride a bicycle here unless you are nude. Do you understand?”
“Dutch people are from the Netherlands, not Dutchland. There is a country of Deutschland but it is many kilometres from here. Are you feeling O.K.?”
“My uncle operates a nude windmill in Luxembourg.”
“Luxembourg is not a duchy. It is a grand duchy. You did not study the duchy at uni?”
“I studied neoclassical horses and heavy-metal guitar at the University of Zurich.”
“You Americans. You have too many trucks. And not enough sausages.”
“How many languages do you know? I speak twelve, not including Romance languages.”
“Liechtenstein is in the Schengen Zone. It has a prince. His name is Hans-Adam II, and he gave me a sword. We are cousins.”
“How many bicycles do you own? I own twelve, not including Romance bicycles.”
“Would you like some chocolate? It was made by a master Swiss chocolatier in a secret chalet. It pairs well with potato stew and twenty cigarettes.”
“In this country, it is frowned upon to speak badly of our princes or our nude windmills.”
“You know, Liechtenstein. The country between Austria and Switzerland. It has as many people as ten per cent of North Dakota. You didn’t study geography in upper secondary school?”
“Where is your cigarette? Where is your beer? Beer is an always drink.”
“Prince Hans-Adam II follows me on the Phötölikenhaus application. It’s like your Instagram but exclusively for nudes and images of cheese.”
“The eurozone? Do you mean the European Economic Area? You are confused.”
“Dutch is a language. Hollandaise is a sauce. Some Dutch people also speak Frisian. I speak Frisian but I am one-quarter Saxon rather than Dutch. You seem confused.”
“Where are you going? Take the train. My family rides the train from Antwerp to the Shire to pick brambleberries every Midsommar.”
“I studied abroad in America at Middle Tennessee State University under the tutelage of your Albert Gore. He taught the seminar on windmills. He is wunderbar.”
“My house is inside a castle. It does not have air-conditioning because it was built a thousand years ago. If you are hot, you can cool off in the moat.”
“Cheese, beer, nudity—in that order.”
“You Americans. So many guns. So few swords. It is sad.”
“The Netherlands is like your Canada but with better beer and The Hague. Does this help?”
“Why do you ask for ice with the water? You are confused.”
“The E.U. is not the same as the European Union. Wait. Yes, it is. I am confused.”
“We have sausages for every occasion: breakfast sausages, lunch sausages, holiday Koningsdag sausages, and pre-sausage warmup sausages that we eat before the main sausages.”
“In European schools, we know English at age four. In American schools, at what age do you learn French, German, Italian, Spanish, and Portuguese?”
“Do you Americans feel that you got a good deal at the Treaty of Paris? Your country is very new. It has big problems. You look confused. You don’t study your own history in kinderschoolen?”
“I am a strong liberal and a monarchist-progressive. I am in favor of beer, swords, princesses, bicycles, and nude, chocolate windmills.”
“You Americans. Your politicians are very bad. Except for Albert Gore. You should make him your king, or at least a duke.”
“I ride fifteen trains per week. Wheeeee.”