Bogotá's El Dorado Is the World's Best Airport

The happy, festive tunes this pudgy Botero band is blasting is the musical equivalent of how Bogotá's El Dorado Airport makes us feel on the inside © TravellingCurmudgeon.com

Yes, you read that correctly. It's official: Bogotá's Aeropuerto El Dorado is the world's best airport! And rest assured, no one was more surprised to discover this than us. Still don't believe us even though we've now told you twice? Well, in lieu of a bunch of bullshit methodology à la Skytrax or the popularity contest voting that Travel + Leisure and all the other corporate-owned travel media use for everything they do, we're going to tell you a totally subjective story, which relies heavily on pre-flight alcohol consumption and an irrational love of Colombia after spending an unplanned seven weeks in Bogotá. And if that still isn't enough to convince you, then we've got no problem offering a full refund* for this article.

*Refunds available only in the form of non-existent CurmudgeonCoins, and can only be used as store credit on travellingcurmudgeon.com. Offer valid only for permanent residents of Guam. Travelling Curmudgeon LLC reserves the right to change these terms at any time.

For those who can't be bothered to read 2000 words about an airport - and honestly, we don't blame you, especially when you've got way more important things to do, like whatever the hell Wordle is - here's a bullet point summary of what makes El Dorado the world's best airport:

It's named after a mythical city, and its airport code (BOG) means ‘God’ in most Slavic languages
It's super cheap, quick and easy to get their, even in a city with notoriously bad traffic
You can get a free Yellow Fever vaccination at on on-site clinic
The beer and food is plentiful, decent quality and extremely cheap (for an airport)
There are loads of seating, power outlets and bathrooms
Security is fast, efficient and they don't hassle you (even if you're someone like us who always gets hassled at security)
You can literally go from a taxi to the furthest gate in 10 minutes, including stops for security, beer and the bathroom

A bit of background

Three of Colombia's more reputable budget airlines coincidentally in one shot: Avianca, Viva and Latam. Not pictured: Wingo, which we've got zero first hand experience with, but have heard nothing but terrible things about, so planning to avoid it while we're here the way Europeans avoid Ryanair and Americans avoid Spirit © TravellingCurmudgeon.com

The Name

First of all, the airport is named after El Dorado, a mythical city of untold of riches, which literally launched a thousand ships of European explorers aka greedy, genocidal colonial scum of the Earth. But just ignore that last part. How cool is it to name an airport after a mythical city? Pretty fucking cool, which already gets the place a massive (ahem) gold star without even having to set foot in it. Its airport code is also BOG, which coincidentally means ‘God’ in most Slavic languages - a fact that is also cool even if you're a devout agnostic like we are.

First Impressions

As of writing, we've had a total of three separate experiences at Bogotá's international airport. The first was unsurprisingly upon arrival, which happened at nearly midnight. There was quite the line at passport control, but it went super fast, and we didn't get asked a single question, which is always a relief when you tend to suffer from a massively guilty conscience, even when you're not smuggling anything or appear on any Interpol Red Notices. There were plenty of ATMs in the massive baggage claim area, and upon exiting the shuttle to our airport hotel was only a few steps away.

Of course once we got to the hotel we had the bizarre situation of being told to wait at check in, while both of the receptionists left for a good half hour or more, then returned to tell us that the hotel was unfortunately closed due to a water issue. But not to worry because they were putting us up in a much nicer place that was literally on the complete opposite side of town (because who books an airport hotel specifically to be near the airport?). But obviously none of that can in any way tarnish our high esteem for Aeropuerto El Dorado.

This seems like as good a time and place as any to remind everyone that vaccine passports have been around for decades with zero concern, controversy or conspiracy theories. Ah, and if you hadn't realised we were American until just now, please accept our sincere apologies, and know that we're as self-loathing as they come in terms of our nationality © TravellingCurmudgeon.com

Vacuna Contra la Fiebre Amarilla

After almost making the mistake of paying some $250 for a yellow fever vaccine in the US (our saving grace was the fact that they're almost impossible to track down in the greater-Seattle area, which gave us time read the fine print on Colombian arrival requirements and realise that proof of vaccination technically wasn't required on arrival in Bogotá - who said the US' shoddy, laughing stock of a healthcare system doesn't have it's benefits!), we found that they're available for free right at the airport.

Of course our flight arrived around midnight, so outside of the clinic's operating hours, and as mentioned above our plan of staying at airport hotel and going back in the morning was also scuppered. However, when we were finally forced to stop procrastinating and get the jab, it couldn't have been more quick, easy and painless. Wait a few minutes for one couple in front of us, tick a bunch of 'No' boxes on an allergy form, insist around a dozen times that the 'vacuna contra la fiebre amarilla' was indeed what we were after and then drop a few 'muchas gracias' on the way out. Total time 10-12 minutes. Total cost $0.00, or in Colombian pesos the still reasonable $0,000.00.

Next Stop: Riohacha

Our third and most recent experience was the first full package one, in the sense that we actually had a flight to catch, rather than arriving half asleep or turning up to take advantage of generous free medical treatment. It finally gave us a chance to experience the place in all its efficient glory, and was obviously the inspiration for this article.

Getting there

That's what a sprawling Latin American metropolis with some 10 million inhabitants and a reputation for terrible traffic looks like to space monkeys

Traffic or no traffic, is that really the question?

When we told a well-travelled friend that we were going to Bogotá, she had exactly two bits of information based on her extensive previous experience visiting the city for work over the years: The graffiti is amazing and the traffic is unimaginably terrible - specifically adding that when you go to the airport leave many hours before your flight.

So it was with this valuable foreknowledge that when a few days after our arrival a friend of ours (and Bogotá native) headed to the airport approximately 50 minutes before her departure time we were not only surprised, but assumed she'd be returning dejected at having missed her flight, and providing a fine excuse to drink that evening. And sure enough, we got a WhatsApp message from her some 15-20 minutes later saying that… her taxi had broken down on the way. Well, now it was a done deal, the only decision left was what to buy: beer, wine or aguardiente? Fuck it, we'd might as well get all three, it's not like alcohol goes bad, right? Surely she could use some cheering up after not only having missed her flight, but having missed her flight the day before her birthday.

We don't watch many films these days, but when we do we've got an uncanny ability to never know what's going to happen, even if it's being telegraphed in the most obvious way imaginable. This may seem like a character flaw or shortcoming, but it actually just makes films more enjoyable, because you never know what's going to happen and thus are always surprised. Since we like to think of ourself as the exception, you've probably guessed by now that our friend somehow made her flight with time to spare.

So from this story, our own multiple experiences and what we've pieced together from others, it seems that while traffic in Bogotá can indeed grind to a halt from time to time, the massive thoroughfare called Avenida las Americas that leads from the heart of the city to the airport was purposely designed to be smooth sailing pretty much 24/7. What a fancy bit of urban planning that was, eh?

A few last glimpses of Bogotá's incredibly clouds and colours, as our taxi races down Avenida las Americas completely unabated by any kind of traffic © TravellingCurmudgeon.com

Cost of an Uber or taxi

We were staying some 15km away from the airport, and took Uber* there twice, both more or less during the middle of the day, with the total charge coming in at $22,300 and $21,500. This might seem like a lot, until you realise that the amounts are actually in Colombian pesos, as they confusingly just use the USD dollar symbol here. With the current exchange rate hovering around 4500 to €1 our trusty old abacus tells us that those fares come out to a much more reasonable €4.95 and €4.78. Even with the 5000 peso tip we gave in cash - which was not only totally unexpected, even from a gringo, but really seemed to make both drivers' days (although it can be hard to read people when they're wearing masks) - there can't be many airports in the world were a 15km taxi ride is only going to set you back around €6.

*Uber is shit, but it's also convenient, and allows us to charge the ride to our company card as a business expense, because whenever we take Uber it's totally a legitimate business expense. You can read a slightly longer, more detailed rant against Uber and the rest of its Silicon Valley vulture brethren here.

In addition to being insanely cheap, taxis in Bogotá all seem to have plastic screens separating the front and back seats with a little opening to pass dinero through - safety first during pandemic times! Although it's also normal for passengers to sit in the front seat, so the science might still be undergoing peer review © TravellingCurmudgeon.com

Airport amenities

(Relatively) cheap beers

Would we have been so enamoured with Bogotá's El Dorado International not only to conclude that it's the best in the world, but also write up a way too long article explaining why if we hadn't had several beers while packing and then several more at the airport? Sorry, but we don't deal in hypotheticals, especially when their answers will very likely lead to the conclusion that one's a poor, fickle alcoholic, rather than a successful, serious, sober anonymous travel writer.

But, that said, it sure was nice to get to the airport early enough to drink some lunch, and unlike certain North American peoples who shan't be named, Colombians are still responsible enough fliers for alcohol to be sold at airport shops. What's more, while it was more expensive than outside the airport, it was still relatively cheap by international airport standards - ie €1.50 a can landside and €2 after security.

This fabulous, filling traditional 2-course Colombia lunch - which is thoughtfully divided between a landside café and airside gate in order to give you a more diverse, sensory dining experience - will only set you back some $16,000 or a scant €3.50 © TravellingCurmudgeon.com

(Relatively) cheap food

As we were flying to the Caribbean coast and permanent bikini season, we decided to get serious about our diet and thus were forced to allot all of the day's calories to a few simple meals consisting entirely of hops, barley, yeast and water. However, that didn't stop us from checking out the domestic terminal food court, and being incredibly impressed to find 1) local chains rather than the ubiquitous Sbarros and other such shitty airport culinary parasites of the world, and 2) prices were only around 20% more expensive than in the city, rather than the international standard of double.

We're going to ignore the fact that the Austin Powers film they stole this from was terrible, and just appreciate the tongue-in-cheek humour from an airport poke bowl place © TravellingCurmudgeon.com

Ample seats, power outlets and bathrooms

Both landside by the cafés and shops and after security at the gates there were plentiful places to sit, charge your phone and do more impromptu field research on the mythical golden ratio (ie the theory that one pisses exactly twice as much beer as one consumes). The bathrooms were on the small side, but clean and empty. About the only bad thing we can say about them is that they've got an excessive amount of those signs on the mirrors instructing you to wash your hands for an absurdly long amount of time. That's about the only reason you'd need to leave for the airport three hours early - if you think you'll end up using the bathroom once or twice, and want to strictly adhere to the hand washing guidelines from Colombia's National Institute of Health.

“At El Dorado your health comes first, and you can see it." That may be true, but what we can't see is ourself in the mirror, which kind of defeats the purpose of having a mirror there, no? We've also travelled quite often over the past two years, and probably haven't washed our hands in airport bathrooms for 60 seconds in aggregate. We did, however, used to wash our hands obsessively during university, so think we're still covered from all the hours under the faucet we banked back then. That's how hygiene works, right? © TravellingCurmudgeon.com

And, most importantly….

10mins from taxi to gate

While we technically didn't go from the taxi to the gate in 10 minutes, it's only because we arrived at the airport early enough to enjoy a few (relatively) cheap beers landside, before deciding it was finally time to go through security. But we did:

1) Go from a seat not too far from one of the curbside doors,

2) Stop and use one of the ample bathrooms just in case the security line was long,

3) Go through security, which not only had almost no queue, but even opened up a lane when they saw the stampede of some dozen passengers streaming towards them,

4) Stop and buy a (slightly more expensive but still relatively) cheap beer at a little kiosk, and

5) Make it all the way down to the furthest end of the domestic terminal where our gate was located…

Gate 80, is that you already? We weren't expecting you so soon! How embarrassing. Looks like we've got time to drink a 3rd course of lunch © TravellingCurmudgeon.com

All in just about 10 minutes flat!

This was of course the moment we officially fell in love with BOG. And to show our appreciation, finished our fresh beer, returned to the kiosk to get yet another one. Made use a bathroom one more time. And then put on our wireless earbuds to blast some 1970s cumbria tunes, while waiting to board.

Since we did online check in the only question left was if they'd ask to see our little yellow vaccine booklet to confirm we'd had our Vacuna contra la fiebre amarilla. However, not only did gate staff not ask for this, they didn't even ask for ID of any kind, which seems like it would be some kind of security risk, but presumably they know what they're doing and it definitely expedited the boarding process. What a pleasant experience from start to finish, and the perfect way to finally depart Bogotá. Next stop: Riohacha!

Bogotá's Aeropuerto El Dorado Is the Best Airport in the World